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Very bad after parting with a loved one. How to get over a breakup with a guy. About pleasures, or kick out the opposite

One of the basic human needs is the need for affection and love. But when a relationship with a loved one is destroyed for any reason, life begins to be perceived in a black light, depression rolls in. It becomes impossible to simply move on with life as the brain is consumed by memories of the past. The question arises of how to psychologically rebuild, how to cope with parting with a loved one. If you are a man and a girl recently left you, or you are a girl and just broke up with a guy, a psychologist will tell you how to survive the pain of loss.

The first advice of a psychologist on how to survive a breakup is to give yourself time to grieve, to learn a kind of mourning for lost relationships and broken hopes for a joint future. After all, the rupture of significant relationships is archetypally lived as an experience of death. An individual has to come to terms with irreversible changes in his life, learn to live on a new energy, without the love and support of a partner, which he used to count on.

After parting with loved ones, people suffer not according to the person himself, but according to the emotions that they experienced in a relationship. Recognize that you are addicted to feelings of love euphoria caused by the release of neuropeptides and compounds chemically similar to amphetamines - a class of soft drugs. Suffering after the departure of a loved one is in many ways similar to the pathological state of drug withdrawal.

For one category of individuals, the most pleasant thing in a relationship is to feel like an object of close attention of another person, his care, support. For the other - to experience the very feeling of falling in love, spiritual uplift, to idealize a partner. In both cases, suffering due to the departure of a loved one is a consequence of selfishness.

The good news is that you can learn to evoke all the good feelings you've experienced in a relationship on your own. And no longer depend emotionally on the presence of a loved one nearby.

You need to grow, develop, strengthen the parental subpersonality in yourself, which accepts, loves, protects you under any circumstances. Make sure that your inner voice always sounds approving and affectionate. And try to trust the pleasant emotions that arise in response to good thoughts about yourself and about your life. Treat yourself with paternal (maternal for men) care, and the need for co-dependent relationships with fixation on a partner will be significantly reduced.

The second step - again As a rule, we admire certain qualities in a partner, which, as it seems to us, we ourselves are deprived. Was he the smartest, the most gentle, the most purposeful? Cultivate these qualities in yourself! Don't wait for someone from outside to come along and complete you.

You don't have to hope that you can still get along. At least until you find a sense of peace on your own. If you try to win back your loved one before you get rid of dependence on relationships, you risk repeating the same negative scenario.

Replace the need to make your loved one your property with the desire to make him happy. You need to find the strength in yourself to give him freedom. And do it with peace of mind. Recognize that everyone has their own path. And be grateful that some part of it your loved one chose to go through with you.

How to behave correctly if a man left you: advice from a psychologist

When a relationship breaks, not only feelings become vulnerable, but also a worldview. often undermines a woman's deepest beliefs about love, devotion, justice, men. A rejected woman experiences a feeling of humiliation, loss of self-worth.

A huge amount of energy is spent on introspection and giving yourself “twos”. Conclusions are drawn that it was necessary to behave differently, to dress differently, to engage in intimacy. “Now it’s even embarrassing to remember what I thought about myself after my husband left me,” shares Veronika (31 years old). When the level of self-flagellation reached the point that I considered the lack of smoothness of my legs to be the reason for his departure, it was as if a brake light went off inside me. I realized that even women with a perfect appearance from the modeling industry are abandoned by men. It’s funny, but the thought made me feel relieved.”

Understand, if your man really valued your union and treated you as an equal partner, he would let you know about his dissatisfaction with some aspects of your relationship in advance. I would give you a chance to find a way out of the situation together. Analyzing your mistakes is a useful activity. But only on condition that you know how to forgive yourself for mistakes. Accept what you did out of inexperience and promise yourself not to repeat the same mistakes in the future.

Every woman dreams of being adored. A common mistake is to immediately rush into a new relationship in the hope of feeling needed, desired, loved again. However, the advice of a psychologist on how to survive if a man left is not to rush. Wait until your self-confidence is restored. Otherwise, you run the risk of creating a relationship that matches your bad self-image. If you are cheated, you will only attract those who will treat you like a former partner.

It is generally accepted that the stronger sex is much less emotional than the female. However, men are capable of experiencing the same strong feelings as women. It’s just that they are taught from childhood to maintain the image of a strong man, and they get used to hiding their pain. As a result, separation is even more traumatic for them than for women.

A woman can openly sob on her friend’s shoulder for more than one evening. A man, even in the presence of his closest friend, may be hesitant to admit how depressed he is. Yes, and male friends are usually frightened by the expression of strong feelings of another member of the stronger sex. They have no idea how to provide the right psychological support in such cases. Therefore, the way out is to apply for

Parting is not the most pleasant and joyful event in life. When a person leaves, who not so long ago was the closest and dearest, a feeling of emptiness and complete disappointment remains inside. Many even need serious help from a psychologist, since they can’t cope on their own. If you want to survive a breakup with a loved one without overworking yourself and remaining in peace of mind, then the tips from our article may help you.

Why do people struggle with breakups?

Parting deals a severe blow to the nervous system and mental state of a person. There are several main reasons many of us find it so difficult to endure a breakup. These include the following:

True love. You always think about your loved one, you cannot imagine life without him, you are constantly waiting for his call and so on. In this case, your feelings will not be able to just take and disappear in an instant. This will take time.
Strong attachment. People who lived together for a long time, completely trusted each other, arranged their life, will not immediately be able to accept that this will no longer be the case.
Fear of loneliness. After you've broken up with your boyfriend or girlfriend, there may be a fear of being single forever. At such moments, a person's self-esteem drops sharply, but it is still necessary to stop feeling sorry for yourself in time.
Memories. Perhaps the most famous "companion" of those who have recently parted with a loved one. After his or her departure, there are many gifts, photographs and other things that remind you of a past life. You need to live only in the present and the future, so it is recommended to get rid of such items.

people have a hard time getting over a breakup due to strong attachment and warm memories

Breakup Formula

Specialists have developed the so-called "parting formula". The one who provoked a break in relations leaves 1/3 of negative emotions (misunderstandings, quarrels, insults, and so on) for himself, and the one who was abandoned gets the remaining 2/3. That is why the initiator of the breakup always feels better, and the other side acts as a victim and is having a hard time going through this stage of life. For many people, the period of coming to terms with a breakup can take up to three years.

How to survive a breakup?

For most people, breaking up brings only negative emotions. But, it is important to stop your worries in time and start to overcome this life crisis in the right way. Psychologists give advice to both men and women, but still they have certain differences. Each gender reacts differently to this event.

Women are very emotional. It is quite difficult for them to make the decision of a man to end the relationship and life together. In order to somehow alleviate your "suffering", you can try the following technique:

Extra emotions. You need to relax and throw out all the anger and resentment outward. This can be done through sports, heart-to-heart conversations with your best friend, mom, sister, etc. During this period, rest as much as possible, distracting from unnecessary thoughts. The main goal is to clear the mind of memories that depress your state. You need to start life from scratch.
"Burning Bridges" We delete all phone numbers, messages, emails that connect you with your loved one. If suddenly the ex-partner begins to be interested in your affairs or well-being, then in no case do not answer so as not to quarrel again. Ignore and be silent, forget about everything that happened.
Support of loved ones. In such a difficult stage of life, the support of relatives and friends is very important. You can attend yoga classes, for example, with your mother, spend cozy warm evenings with a friend over a cup of cocoa, and much more. It is important to do everything to fully immerse yourself in the new atmosphere.
Appearance. After a man has left you, do not forget about self-care. Keep doing makeup, dress beautifully and stylishly. Stressful state will help to remove easy shopping. Update your wardrobe, pick up a couple of new fragrances and now, you are a completely different woman.

It has always been believed that the stronger sex is stingy enough to show emotions, unlike women. But, nevertheless, at the time of the breakup, men are also very worried. What can alleviate your condition?

Friends. Male friendship is one of the strongest types of relationships, so spending time with friends will help you forget at least for a certain period.
Sport. Try to take your mind off your problem with moderate exercise. Visit the gym daily, where you can switch and maybe make a new acquaintance.
Job. If parting is very difficult for you, then try to go headlong into work. The psyche of a man is so arranged that, focusing on something specific, he is able to completely get away from difficult experiences.

immediately after a breakup, you should not get involved in alcohol and start a new relationship

What not to do after a breakup?

Modern society is literally full of various stereotypes. This applies to absolutely everything, including parting with a loved one. There are judgments about what not to do immediately after a breakup. Here are some of the best tips:

New relationship. You should not immediately after breaking up look for a replacement for the former partner, thus trying to drown out the pain. It is likely that you will feel better for a period of time, but then this feeling will pass, and you will realize that you made a mistake.
Alcohol. Many people, and especially men, after a breakup begin to drown out their feelings with alcoholic beverages. After all, apart from serious damage to health, you will not achieve anything. Think about this before reaching for a bottle.
Connection. Some ex-lovers try to completely isolate themselves from the outside world by turning off all means of communication: telephone, Internet, intercom, etc. By doing this, you completely forget that close and dear people always remember you and worry about you in the same way.
Temporary separation. Do not create illusions and deceive yourself. Accept the fact of a breakup as a given and put up with it. Let go of your former feelings.
Tricks of consciousness. The human mind is very complex and unpredictable. When we try to deal with our experiences, try to forget about everything, then our brain again gives us old information. Try to overcome it in yourself.

Do not try to turn back time, because the past is already gone, it is no more. Think about your future life, make plans. Over time, all thoughts of past feelings will go away forever and you will truly feel better.

How to distract yourself from thoughts of parting?

The advice of psychologists for women and men should help overcome the pain and feelings received from parting with a loved one, but what to do to distract yourself from constant thoughts about past relationships? And to this question, experts have a completely detailed answer:

Hobby. Take up what you know how to do, for example, draw a picture, embroider with beads, sculpt from clay. You can try to learn something new. Sign up for a club. Art heals.
Perception of the world. Set your priorities in life, stop seeing all the negativity around you. Put on, at least for a while, "pink" glasses, and then the world will sparkle with other colors. Think about what you want to change in yourself, comprehend all your past mistakes and do not make them in the future. As the saying goes: "we were sad, we thought, and we moved on."
environment around you. One of the most effective methods is a change of scenery. If you have such an opportunity, then you can safely start choosing new wallpapers, curtain colors, furniture, and more. The repair process will captivate and delay you so much that you will stop thinking about some former relationship there.
Future plans. Try to fit into your life all your dreams that you have long wanted to fulfill. Create a wish list and check off what you've done and keep enjoying yourself.

Week of Healing

Most psychologists strongly recommend trying the seven-day healing plan. It includes actions that must be performed daily to completely free yourself from the "shackles" of the former relationship. During the passage of this therapy, one should set clear boundaries and boundaries of what is permitted so as not to go astray towards the intended goal.

Day 1

Start the day by keeping a diary. In general, writing down your own thoughts is great for expressing emotions and prioritizing. In a diary, you can write down any of your experiences, even the most insignificant. Over time, you will see how much your condition has improved. With each new week, emotions will be more positive and brighter.

It may sound strange, but give yourself something. It doesn't really matter what kind of gift it is. Maybe you have been dreaming about something for a long time? So buy this thing and please yourself. The main purpose of this action is relaxation and positive emotions.

Day 3

Pay attention to your nutrition. Try to go on a light diet, exclude harmful foods from the diet, such as fast food, carbonated sweet water, bread, sugar, spicy, salty, fried, etc. Exercise in the morning. In the morning, drink a glass of water on an empty stomach for a surge of strength and energy. Devote this day to business meetings and work.

Day 4

Take care of your appearance today. This point also applies to men. Go to the hairdresser, sauna, spa. Women can get beautiful make-up, manicure, pedicure, etc. It is necessary to look beautiful and well-groomed at any situation.

Day 5

Organize an outdoor picnic. Invite relatives and friends. Roast meat on a fire, sing songs with a guitar, play badminton, enjoy the company and forget about all the problems.

Day 6

Invite your best friend or friend over for dinner. You can cook something together, talking about everything in the world. Trust a loved one with all your experiences, share your plans. Watch an interesting movie together. Try to make this evening fun and unforgettable.

Day 7

The week should end with something very pleasant. It can be any activity, such as reading books, cooking your favorite meals, shopping. Men can watch football, go fishing, play billiards or bowling.

It is important to remember one thing, that parting is not a sentence. If you were treated this way, then you need to forget about everything as soon as possible. In life there are different cases, but you should never give up. Get together and do not forget that parting did not make you worse or dumber. Everything is ahead of you, there is a person with whom, perhaps, you will live until old age, but you don’t even remember these problems. Believe in the good, and then everything will work out.

Breaking up a relationship is one of the most painful situations that happen in life. Usually it happens unexpectedly, and the one who was abandoned turns out to be completely unprepared for the strongest experiences that come after the break. Emotions take you by surprise, cause depression and turn existence into hell. To find the strength in yourself to turn this page of the past, you need to understand how to survive a breakup with a guy.

How girls deal with breakups

Yes, the abandoned girl feels terrible. She is overwhelmed by strong emotions, contradictory, frightening with their strength and beyond the control of consciousness. In order to calm the storm in the soul, you need to understand this chaos, separate feelings from each other and give yourself the right to experience each of them, no matter how “wrong” or “bad” they may seem.

Negation. At first, you cannot believe that this is really happening to you and that the relationship is over.
Confusion and confusion. You do not understand who you are now, and you feel as if the earth has left under your feet. The end of a long-term relationship is the collapse of all plans and hopes, and you have no idea how to live on.
Fear. The intensity of your emotions scares you. You feel that you are unable to cope with them, and you are afraid that you will not be able to survive this loss. You are visited by terrible thoughts that you will never be able to love anyone again, and that no one will love you.
Sadness. You cry, and it seems that you will cry forever. You shed tears for any trifle and for no reason at all.
Anger. The thought of a breakup causes rage, anger and despair. You hate your ex, then yourself, then the whole world around.
Resentment and a sense of injustice. You tried very hard to be good. You loved, supported, admired, were not capricious and even liked his mother. But he did not appreciate you, and here you are sitting in tears alone, while your ex-lover is having fun with a new girlfriend.
Despair. He said: "We are breaking up," and you are powerless to change anything. Your continued existence seems to you devoid of any meaning, and you think that you can hardly bear it.
Guilt. You blame yourself for ruining everything and sincerely believe that everything would be different "if I did this or that." You promise to improve and beg your ex-boyfriend to give you another chance.

All these are quite natural reactions necessary for the normal recovery process.

If you survive a breakup with a guy correctly, in the end the wounds will heal, a taste for life will appear, and with it a new relationship. You need to be patient and work on yourself.

All people are different, each with their own character, unique life experience and circumstances, due to which there was a breakup with a young man. Therefore, each woman will have her own story of recovery after a break, which is better to live under the supervision of a psychologist.

But there are some universal tips that will suit absolutely everyone and tell you how to survive a breakup with a guy.

cry

Cry as much as you want and even more. Don't be ashamed of your tears and don't be an iron lady. If you do not cry out all the grief now, it will overtake you later. Imagine that along with the streams of tears, all the pain, all the insults come out of you, and cry until you feel that they have left your body once and for all.

Don't talk to your ex

Any contact with the culprit of your tears prolongs your torment and crosses out all the steps towards a normal life. No late-night conversations on the phone and SMS, meetings "for a cup of coffee" and "I'll just return his photo to him." Do not torment your heart with memories and do not console yourself with the illusion that you just want to remain friends. You may someday become one, but for now - admit it to yourself - you're just trying to get him back.

Spend time with yourself

Taste the taste of loneliness. If you are thrown into a cold sweat from this word, fear speaks in you. To enjoy being alone is to feel comfortable alone with yourself, and not to remain an old maid for the rest of your life. Use this time for self-development. Nothing provides more resources for overcoming difficulties than self-knowledge and spiritual growth.

Create your support group

Communicate with loved ones. If you've been spending more time with your relationships than with old friends and family, it's time to reconnect. These people really love you, and now you need love and support. Be with those who will listen to you, hug you or just take your hand. Among your girlfriends, there are certainly those who have gone through the same nightmare. It is unlikely that anyone will understand and support you better than they do. Speak out and cry into their vest.

Put feelings into words

Help yourself get rid of the obsessive thoughts that are spinning in your head. Write down on paper whatever comes to mind. Do not worry about the beauty of the syllable and commas, just write whatever bothers you. Ask questions and many answers will come by themselves. Write a letter to your ex. You won’t have to send it, so speak up to the end, collect everything that has accumulated in one place. And then burn the papers, and you will feel that the burden of understatement, which has been accumulating for more than a day or two, has fallen from your shoulders.

Believe me, this is not the end. Don't identify your life with love relationships. Find other goals and live fully.

How to survive a breakup if the guy left for another?

"My boyfriend left me for someone else." The woman who utters these words has a broken heart, and there is not a trace of her self-respect left. You can persuade yourself to stop thinking about him and move on as much as you like, but in this case it is much easier said than done.

What to do if the guy left, and how is it easier to survive parting and betrayal?

If you want to return it, think about it, is it worth it? Before you come up with a plan and take action, face the truth. All emotions aside, you have to face one single fact: he left you because he preferred another woman. He did not leave you “to nowhere”, he left for another.
Don't blame yourself. If he chose another, then he was not satisfied with your relationship. Probably, his feelings for you were not initially serious, or maybe he was disappointed, or you were inattentive to him. Whatever the reason, don't make excuses for him, just take your share of the responsibility and leave him to him.
Don't blame your opponent. A man can neither be kept nor taken away if he does not want it himself. He left because he wanted to, and it was he who made the decision. So let go and do not poison your soul with hatred and vengeance.
Don't compare yourself to your ex-boyfriend's new crush. She is she and you are you, and it's not about who has longer legs. Don't be tempted to be like her. Save yourself. Work on self-esteem.
Be glad that you have not reached a long-term relationship and marriage. Many women have to endure the betrayal of their husband, because not everyone will dare to cross out the long years of marriage and jeopardize the happiness of their children. In your case, no matter how painful it was, life itself saved you from such a choice.
Be very attentive to your emotional and physical state, as going through a breakup if you were left for another girl is doubly difficult. You will have to, in fact, reassemble yourself, and this requires a lot of work on yourself. Learn to love yourself and live your own life.

Is it worth trying to get it back?

Ask yourself: “Do I really want to be with him, or is it a wounded ego and a sense of ownership speaking in me?”
If you want to win back and prove to yourself and the whole world that people like you are not abandoned, leave this idea. It is quite possible that you will fail, and this double defeat will leave no stone unturned from your pride. It doesn't feel like love, so is it worth the risk?

If you want to return it because you love it, think about it. This person has already left you once and hurt you. Will you be able to forgive and forget the offense, and most importantly, are you ready to live with the realization that someone who betrayed once can betray a second time?

Returning to a relationship in which your boyfriend previously cheated on you or left you is unlikely to make you happy. Even if you manage to convince him to start all over again, you will part again and again.

Ask yourself a few questions:

Am I afraid that I won't meet anyone else and spend the rest of my life alone?
Have I lost faith in myself?
Do I feel like I don't deserve a better man?

If you answered "YES" to any of these questions, it's clear as daylight that you lack self-esteem and self-confidence. This may be the result of your relationship with this man, or with others who were in your life before him. Be that as it may, this problem will move from relationship to relationship until you understand that it is time for major internal changes.

You will definitely make it. The stronger your intention to be happy, the faster you will be able to recover from the loss. Separation, no matter how cruel it is, is your chance to understand yourself and understand the reasons for your failures in a love relationship. After passing through this test, you will gain new experience and become stronger. And when you take life into your own hands again, you will definitely meet a good guy. The main thing is to maintain self-respect and faith in yourself.

When you first met, you thought it was definitely forever.

But circumstances are not always on our side...

How to get over a breakup with a loved man?

How long will the feeling last?

To forget each other after parting, ex-lovers it takes exactly half the time that they spent together.

That is, after 4 years of relationship, a man and a woman will need at least 2 years to recover and be ready for a new relationship.

How to let go of the person you love? help you!

Why do you love even more?

After parting, all feelings are aggravated. Sadness seems universal, and the pain is unbearable. So it is with the feeling of love.

And besides, you begin to understand that the person is no longer around and never will be. This awareness of loss increases love.

Why are we drawn to our ex? Learn about it from the video:

Is it possible to quickly and easily get out of the situation?

This is very rare, mainly if the person has long been indifferent to you, and relationship was just a habit.

In all other cases, parting is not easy to survive. Many fall into.

But this process can a little faster and easier, for this you need to follow the advice of psychologists.

How to behave?

At this moment, the main thing is not to lose your head from emotions. Use the following tips:

in no case do not humiliate yourself, do not start calling and writing messages to the former;
concentrate on the fact that now you just need to survive this time and cope with the surging emotions;
give yourself a short period of time to release emotions: cry and speak out;
do not scroll through your head constantly sharing pleasant moments - your goal is now to forget about the past and look confidently into the future;
do not drop out of life: study, work, walk, meet friends.

How to overcome a breakup with a loved one?

The girl left, what to do?

How to survive a breakup with your girlfriend? Has your lover told you that she no longer wants to continue the relationship? Here are some tips to ease the pain of a breakup:

How to survive the death of a beloved husband? Learn about it from ours.

I broke up with my boyfriend but I love him

How to cope with separation from a loved one? If the guy suddenly said that he was leaving you, then do not rush to fall into hysterics. There are time-tested tips that can help you now:

How to survive a breakup with a man? Find out from this video:

Very hard to break up with a lover

You might decide for yourself that you can't do it anymore. Or maybe your lover could not stand it and left you. In any case, this is the same emotional connection, and such a separation can also be difficult. What to do?

Put an end to your relationship. Delete all messages, delete the number too.

Do not try to get in touch yourself and do not get fooled by the provocations of a former lover.

Break free from psychological addiction. Try not to think about it and find some kind of hobby.
Remember what is really dear to you. You have a family, a loving husband and maybe even children. That's exactly what you need to think about in the first place.

How can a man survive a breakup with his mistress?

You decided that family is more expensive?

Or did she leave, slamming the door and shouting out that she couldn't wait any longer and share you with another woman?

Well, it's not a very pleasant situation anyway. But it can be experienced:

Try to forget about her. Do not replay the nights spent together in your head. Delete her number. Do not answer calls and text messages. This woman is no longer in your life.
Make time for your family. When was the last time you went somewhere together? Yes, even just to the cinema or the park?
It's time to focus on the family. Moreover, they most likely have not received attention from you for a long time.
Get headlong into work. It helps a lot to relax and forget about the pain. Yes, your career can take off.

How to deal with the pain of a divorce from your husband?

Divorce This is a very difficult test for both sides. Especially if the husband was the initiator, and you still love him. How to ease your suffering?

How long does love last? find out right now.

How do I get over being separated from the wife I love?

It happens that it seems to you that everything in your family life is normal. And then one day you find out that the wife wants to file for divorce. How to survive a breakup?

How to survive separation like a man? Tips in this video:

Ways to get rid of love addiction

The hardest thing after a breakup is breaking up. Here are some tips on how to get rid of it.

How to reconcile and recover?

Of course, in order to come to terms with a difficult parting, you need some time. To reduce it, you need not to let yourself lose heart and constantly tune in to a positive wave.

If you can’t recover after a breakup, then use the following tips:

Give vent to your emotions. If you constantly carry them around and hold back, then it is not surprising that you are stuck in this state. Tears, screams, hysterics. Allow yourself all this. But be sure to limit the time of your suffering. Otherwise it won't end well.
Take a vacation. And go to some city you haven't been to yet. Or arrange a meeting with your friends. And also arrange a beauty day for yourself: massage, masks, creams, haircut. Or a shopping day.
All this will nourish you with positive emotions and help you move on.
Use a positive outlook on life. Something they could not while they were in a relationship? Wanted to do something but your ex didn't approve? Right now! Start seeing the breakup as an advantage rather than the end of the world.

How to live on?

Sometimes it seems that after parting with a loved one life is no more.

And you most likely think you will never be happy again, as you were with him.

But it's not. How to live after a breakup?

Open up to something new. Change your appearance or interior in the apartment. You can change the apartment or even the city of residence. Quit your job and find a new job. Try to go to study for a second higher education or at least some courses. Do things you never even thought of before.
have fun. Go to the movies, meet friends, visit theaters and exhibitions. Attend a concert of your favorite band. Find a community of interest.
Chat. Meet, make friends. Flirt and date.
You may not be ready for a new relationship yet, but who knows, you may soon meet “the one”!

No matter how terrible parting with a loved one may seem, it is still not the end of the world. Take advantage of the tips presented and you will be able to survive separation as best as possible. more painless.

How easy is it to get over a breakup? How to recover after a divorce? How to survive a breakup? Psychologist's advice:

No one can remain calm when they say "I no longer love" or "I love another." Worldly wisdom (“everything is for the better”, “you will have a hundred more of these”, “even Hollywood beauties are thrown”) seem to be nonsense - and I want only one thing: to wake up and understand that everything was in a stupid dream. But days, weeks go by, and you don’t wake up, which means that this is really happening to you. Troubles could be expected from anywhere: they could be fired from work, steal a mobile phone in a minibus, get nasty in line. But you could not expect that the closest person would cause pain. At this moment, you feel crushed, because you were not ready for betrayal. And it is not clear what to do next. Psychologists advise - to worry.

How to survive a breakup: childhood experience of loss

According to Freud and other supporters of the psychoanalytic concept, the situation of a break with a loved one always refers our unconscious to the first experience of abandonment - separation from the mother in early childhood. The circumstances could be very different: your mother went to work early or you were in the hospital and they didn’t let her in, or perhaps your parents were too strict. The result is the same - experiencing a breakup in personal relationships, a girl who experienced a lack of love in childhood will think: "I guess I'm not worthy of love."

“When Denis told me that he was leaving, I was, of course, shocked,” says Inna (25). But at the same time, she seemed to understand, to justify him. After all, he is so successful, smart, handsome, and I? She graduated from a dubious institute and is far from being a beauty. Of course, I'm not a match for him. Psychologist of the Moscow psychological assistance service Vladimir Dmitriev I am sure that a small child who experienced a lack of parental love in childhood (and he always explained inattention by the fact that he is not worthy of it), having matured, tries to earn it.

He believes that he must become better in order to be loved. “When I began to analyze our relationship, I realized that I was constantly trying to match Denis, I dreamed of pleasing him. I still didn’t fully understand why he chose me, so I tried to earn his love, ”Inna’s words confirm the theory.

According to Vladimir Dmitriev, the “childish story” that a person carries in himself is very clearly manifested in the experience of a breakup: “Exploring it with a client, we return to the past and find a child living with a feeling of lack of love.”

How to survive a breakup with a guy: someone else's experience

It is not uncommon to hear from a person experiencing a breakup with a loved one that he feels this event as death (of his own, partner or relationship). These feelings have a psychological explanation - indeed, the experience of a breakup often goes through the same stages as the experience of loss. Usually experts distinguish five stages: shock and numbness, denial and withdrawal, recognition and pain, acceptance and rebirth, and in the final - life after the end of the grief experience. “As a rule, people who are at the third stage of experience turn to a psychologist,” says Vladimir Dmitriev. “They feel intense pain and grief that turns into anger. They are angry at themselves, at the departed partner, the injustice of the world. In the fourth stage, mental pain decreases. And parting takes on meaning, meaning in life, its place in the “personal history”. Then the experiencer begins to establish life in a new way, then new events happen and new people appear. While we are in great pain, it is impossible to analyze the situation. But when the pain lets go, it is important to remember that any event, even a very difficult one, can enrich our lives if we look at the incident from the right angle.

“Two years ago, my husband came home from work and said that he had fallen in love and could not help himself,” says Valeria (29). - When I found out that his new passion, born in 1990, experienced a powerful explosion of the most terrible feelings - anger, resentment, envy, jealousy, pity for myself and for our child. For a year I remembered my ex-husband only with curses, but now I am grateful to him - for a wonderful son and for meeting an amazing man, which would not have taken place if my husband had not left me. Vladimir Dmitriev explains that during the rethinking of what happened, we create a personal story with our own hands. The same event, such as a breakup, can be perceived differently by different people: as part of a success story (“thank you for three years of happiness, for a child, for the opportunity to meet love”) or as part of a victim’s story (“I’m always abandoned”, "all men are the same"

How long does it take to get over a breakup

As a rule, it takes about a year to recover from a broken relationship. During this time, you need to live alone all the significant dates for the couple (anniversary of the first meeting, declarations of love). Vladimir Dmitriev believes that some aggravating circumstances of parting can increase the duration of the experience. If the familiar world collapses (for example, the spouses were together for a very long time or the woman found out about the man's double life), then the experience is stretched in time. But if both partners understand that the relationship has exhausted itself, openly talk about their feelings, thank each other and peacefully disperse, then the experience is relatively painless. This does not mean that an amicable, wise parting does not leave a trace in the human soul at all. Also, this does not mean that people who are able to part peacefully are robots without a heart. It’s just that a man and a woman in this case will experience bright sadness, and not exhausting pain, depriving them of strength and desire to live on.

“Most false gentleman men don’t want to initiate a breakup,” says Masha (26). - Instead of breaking up with an unloved girlfriend themselves, they do everything to make the relationship unbearable for the girl. So it was with me - Dima stopped paying attention to me, he came late, and I plucked up the courage and voiced his desire: "Let's part." There were no scandals, just sat down and discussed everything. It was important to talk about us with him, and not to rub personal problems with friends. It turned out to hear some words that were terribly insulting and painful, but very useful (I later realized this). In my opinion, I survived the breakup much faster than many of my friends.

"I'm ugly" and other feelings

Most girls (70%) blame themselves for what happened after the breakup. They ask the emptiness again and again: what did I do wrong? for what? what do i need to fix? did you have to behave/dress/have sex differently? After parting, a lot of energy is spent on analyzing their own behavior and giving themselves unsatisfactory marks.

“Now it’s even embarrassing to remember what I thought about myself after my husband left me,” shares Polina (28). - When self-flagellation went off scale (I got to the point that I considered one of the reasons for his departure to be the lack of smoothness of my legs), it was as if the brake light inside worked. Then I was able to stop and remember that even men left completely ideal women, actresses and photo models. It’s funny, but the thought made me feel better.”

Guilt always accompanies the experience of loss, whether it be death or the loss of a loved one. You need to remember that this is normal, and at the same time try to find at least anger or anger in your soul. After all, if you can already feel them, then the denouement is quite close. In the process of experiencing, you are faced with the fact that a variety of emotions live inside you, most of them are unsightly, but they are necessary in order to learn a lesson from what is happening, and therefore insure yourself against meeting the same rake.

Psychological advice: how to survive a breakup

What words do we hear from friends and relatives who are trying to support us? Of course, “don't worry”, “forget it”. By the way, this is the worst thing you can do. Psychologists recommend to worry.

“Whether the experience of a gap becomes a shackle that does not allow moving forward, or a treasure, largely depends on how we survive it,” says Vladimir Dmitriev. - Sometimes the pain due to the loss of trust (for example, in the case of betrayal) or broken hopes is so strong that you want to forget everything, just erase what happened from memory. But more often than not, we can’t get over a breakup precisely because we’re trying to forget it.” Well-meaning friends advise you to return gifts, change your hairstyle or start a new romance as soon as possible. And some of us listen to others, others to ourselves. The latter are correct.

“At first I wanted to throw away everything that reminds me of Oleg and even dyed my hair blonde,” says Irena (22). - I went through not myself with bleached hair for exactly one day and returned the natural color. Good thing I didn't delete the photos from my computer. It's part of my life! A few months later, she was able to remember our joint trips with a smile, and not with tears in her eyes. Vladimir Dmitriev explains that “survive” and “forget” are fundamentally different strategies. Forgetting interferes with experience. It's like trying to treat an illness with painkillers. Anesthesia can be useful only at the very beginning. Then it deprives you not so much of pain as of the opportunity to overcome the disease.

“I hate myself crying and have never allowed myself to cry, even in front of my friends. Probably dad, who raised me strictly like a boy, did his job, says Varya (23). - When the young man with whom we lived together for four years left me, she did not shed a tear. I was terribly ill, but I thought that crying was humiliating. At the fourth meeting with a psychologist, I finally began to cry and sobbed for half an hour. And then things got off the ground."

The process of experience is also interfered with by illusions. We deceive ourselves by saying: “Yes, I don’t need him, I’m not offended at all, I’ll go to a corporate party with another, let him see ...” Fantasies pass, they are replaced by one another, but real emotions exist, even if you want to forget about them. Don't let yourself experience them. The fact is that trapped feelings will still come out - in the form of depression or health problems. “Emotions are a huge force,” says Vladimir Dmitriev. “If we break contact with them, this force becomes uncontrollable and we have to “tame” it with the help of a psychologist.” 7 unhealthy ways to get over a breakup.

Psychotherapists like to ask clients: what happens if the leg of the table breaks? The correct answer is: if there is only one leg, it will cease to be a table. If there are many legs, it will remain the same. Therefore, the more important and beloved things, people in life, the higher the stability in any crisis situation, including during the experience of a break.

According to the Moscow psychological assistance service:

People rarely make an appointment with a psychologist directly about a breakup (300 cases per 20,000 visits), but often in the first minutes of the appointment, clients who have applied for depression or chronic fatigue begin to talk about the experience of separation.

A few years ago, almost only women turned to the difficulties of experiencing separation, in recent years, more and more men are turning for professional help.

Alena Legostaeva
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