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How to keep a man? True tactic. How not to get attached to a relationship How not to get hung up on a relationship with a man

Hello dear readers! You find the perfect man and it becomes scary. A thousand questions arise in my head: “How not to spoil everything”, “How to be perfect for him”, “I can do something wrong, how to avoid it”, “What if something happens”. Oh, this constant fear and stupid phrase that haunts many women: “Things can’t be so good.”

Today we will talk about how to properly build a relationship with a man. You will learn a few tips to help you get started right and. Remember the most simple solutions are the best, but practically impossible.

What is wrong with me

Some girls have already experienced several unsuccessful romances and are now firmly convinced that they do not know how to build relationships with the opposite sex. This is very a big problem. Only an experienced psychologist often helps to cope with it. However, before you decide on a consultation, let's try to think. Maybe you can learn everything and figure it out on your own?

Why do you think there is something wrong with you? What have you already found in yourself? Are these qualities really bad? Why do you think that without advice and step by step instructions you won't get anything?

Perhaps the reason for this was an unsuccessful romance. Are you sure that you are the one to blame for the breakup? Maybe you were just not right for each other, not enough or married man preferred to stay in the family? Why do you think that this experience is bound to happen again?

Never let the past influence your future, especially in a negative way. You are now able not to make such mistakes. You are too smart to follow the same rake, aren't you? Try to understand the true reasons for the breakup that hurt you, and draw conclusions about how not to transfer this experience into a new relationship.

Don't drag the past along

Fear and fear of doing something wrong is the first thing you should get rid of. Do not think that all men are stupid and will not notice anything. They will definitely pay attention to your fear, the desire to maintain a relationship with him, no matter what. Until you can, it will be noticeable to others and believe me, this will not bring any pleasure to your new man.

Just put yourself in his place. Let's say you're dating a divorced man. It’s good if fragmentary memories of an ex-girlfriend do not appear in conversations. However, even if he has the tact not to compare you and not talk about her, you may subconsciously feel someone else's influence.

For example, he will maniacally turn away from your phone if SMS comes to him, or vice versa, try to read messages, turn off the lights during sex, because she once didn’t like it. Over time, even if at some point he will show his own preferences, you will begin to associate them with ex-girlfriend. It won't lead to anything good.

Is it dangerous to be yourself

At the initial stage, everyone wants to appear better than they really are. Is it right or not?

Starting to google the right relationship query, you might want to read step by step guide about how it would be nice to wash the dishes if you stayed at his house, and he left for work or cook breakfast, one day getting up early. These very simple and hackneyed rules, which still work, make a woman more caring in the eyes of a man, one might say. Just understand that you won't be able to be like this for the rest of your life.

If you are a careerist and calmly order food via the Internet, and once a week you can call an au pair, then later you will face indignation from a man: “But you weren’t like that before, I need an ideal wife. I don't want you to spend all your time at work. So sit down and give birth."

Thanks to the "recipes for happiness" you can prolong your ideal relationship for a while, but in the end you will still break up due to a divergence of interests.

Do what you can and what you want. If you saw a scarf suitable for a man in a store - buy it as a gift, if you got up in the morning with a wild desire to cook dinner - do it. Follow your own impulses and be yourself.

I can recommend a book Pavel Rakov "Actually I'm smart, but I live like a fool", which reveals many secrets of male psychology and helps not only to memorize the basics of the behavior of an ideal woman, but to reveal in yourself what is right for you.

Subscribe to the newsletter to reveal yourself, pay attention to your positive qualities and develop them, and not look for those that you don’t match too well. Every person is beautiful, and you in particular. Until we meet again and good luck in your endeavors.

The most common model of relationships - dependent relationships - with a fixation on a partner. We were taught this way - to live differently, to love the other, to idealize the other, to curse the other too ... The focus has always been outside, not inside. It's hard for us to think that something is wrong here. And yet, it is precisely the focus on the personality of another, and not on oneself, that brings us much suffering and pain. After all, when two people go deep into a relationship, it is quite predictable and guaranteed that at some point they will open each other's deepest wounds and press on the most painful points.

What causes our dependence in a relationship? And what is she hiding underneath? How "inevitable" is our suffering?

If you smiled and thought "well, this is not about me," do not rush to close the topic. The symptoms of addictive relationships are opaque and insidious, and it takes purposeful awareness and courage to see them in your life. For example, you are thrown into the cold, then into the heat - from the feeling of being chosen and superior to complete self-abasement. Or just about, and there will be a need for approval and support from others in order to feel that everything is going well. Or periodically rolls over the feeling of his powerlessness to change anything in the current relationship, which slowly but surely kills both. Or do you often seek relief in alcohol, food, work, sex, or some other external stimulus to distract you from your worries, your inability to experience feelings of true intimacy and love. Yes, and the role of a martyr is given to you especially gracefully and naturally ... Then look, do not be afraid, look into the face of what may have been forced out of your consciousness, that you long years denied in themselves or even "did not guess" - their dependence.

Features of the manifestation of dependence:

A person defines who he is (his identity) only through relationships. Without a partner, he does not think of himself at all. In relationships, he seems to be supplemented to the whole, but at what cost - renouncing himself. He looks at the other as the source of his happiness and the fullness of existence. If I am not happy, then I hold the other person responsible for it.
An addicted person constantly depends on another person: on his opinion, on his mood, on whether he approved or frowned, and so on.
Dependent persons find it very difficult to separate themselves from their partner. The loss of a partner is unbearable for them. Therefore, they seek to increase infantile interdependence rather than reduce it. They thus reduce their value, sabotage their freedom. They also constantly undermine the freedom of a partner.
Such people are characterized by the inability to perceive and respect the individuality, uniqueness, "friendship" of a loved one. True, they do not perceive themselves as separate people. This is the source of much unnecessary suffering. When one person says to another: "I can not live without you", It's not love, it's manipulation. Love is the free choice of two people to live together. Moreover, each of the partners can live alone.
Dependent people are looking for a couple, trying to solve their problems in this way. They believe that love relationship cure them of boredom, melancholy, lack of meaning in life. They hope that the partner will fill the void in their lives. But when we choose a mate, placing such hopes on her, in the end, we cannot avoid hating a person who has not lived up to our expectations.
Unable to define their psychological boundaries. Dependent people don't know where their boundaries end and where other people's boundaries begin.
Always trying to make a good impression on others. They always try to earn love, please other people, wear masks of "goodness". Thus, dependent people try to control the perception of other people. But at what cost - betraying their true feelings, needs.
They do not trust their own views, perceptions, feelings or beliefs, but listen to the opinions of others.
They try to be needed by other people. They often play the role of "rescuers".
Jealous.
They experience difficulties on their own.
They idealize a partner and become disappointed in him over time.
Unconnected with their dignity and intrinsic value.
They experience despair and painful loneliness when they are not in a relationship.
They believe that the partner must change.

Addiction It is a relationship with a fixation on another person.

Adult codependency occurs when two psychologically dependent people establish a relationship with each other. In such relationships, everyone contributes a part of what is necessary for him to create a psychologically complete or independent personality. Since neither of them can feel and act completely independently of the other, they tend to stick to each other like glued on. As a result, everyone's attention is focused on the personality of the other, and not on himself.

The addicted lover strategy

A disproportionate amount of time and attention is spent on the person targeted by the addiction. Thoughts about the "beloved" dominate the mind, becoming an overvalued idea. Characterized by obsession in behavior, in emotions, anxiety, self-doubt, impulsiveness of actions and deeds, difficulty in expressing intimate feelings. He, as a rule, does not know what he needs specifically, but desperately wants a partner to make him happy (as in a fairy tale: "go there, I don't know where, bring something, I don't know what"…).

The love of an addict is always conditional! It is mixed with fear, jealousy, manipulation, control, claims, reproaches from unjustified expectations.

There is no trust in such relationships. Without it, the person becomes suspicious, anxious and full of fear, while the other feels emotionally trapped, it seems to him that he is not allowed to breathe freely. Jealousy is present - fear of loneliness, low self-esteem and dislike for oneself.

The addict is in the grip of experiencing unrealistic expectations in relation to another person who is in the system of these relations, without criticism of his condition. Waiting is the first, weak form of "demanding"... And demanding is, in fact, aggression. Directed - at oneself, at the world, at life, at another person.

A love addict forgets about himself, stops taking care of himself and thinking about his needs outside of a dependent relationship. The addict has serious emotional problems centered on fear, which he tries to suppress. The fear that is present at the level of consciousness is the fear of being abandoned. By his behavior, he seeks to avoid abandonment. But on a subconscious level, it is a fear of intimacy. Because of this, the addict is unable to tolerate "healthy" intimacy. He is afraid to be in a situation where he has to be himself. This leads to the fact that the subconscious leads the addict into a trap in which he chooses a partner for himself who cannot be intimate. This may be due to the fact that in childhood the addict failed, experienced psychological trauma when showing intimacy to parents.

In my understanding, love between two people can take place only when each of them has become a spiritually mature person, and it can only be truly deep and beautiful when relationships come from freedom.

Love is freedom, but not the kind of freedom that does not recognize obligations. Love is responsibility, obligations that you yourself voluntarily observe, and the freedom of choice that you give to another person. It is important that our love does not become a suffocation for loved ones. To comply with obligations to a loved one, but at the same time let him breathe freely.

Nobody belongs to anyone! The partner is not my property. He is a person, a soul who has decided to walk the path with you so that together you can grow. It's not always easy to let go of the one you love, but there is no other way. Life wisdom tells us: the more freedom we give to another, the closer he is to us.

To love is to be there when you need it, and step back a little when the space becomes too small for two. "When two devastated souls meet, they are already tired of each other right away, their relationship is doomed"(Jigme Rinpoche).

Partners in such close relationships move in and out of each other during their dance, they are not always psychologically together and may still quarrel and argue with each other, but they do it impartially and with respect for each other's needs and feelings. This is made possible through trust and conscientiousness.

A relationship of Freedom and Love is fundamental security. When two people learn to be independent, whole, autonomous people, they no longer need to protect themselves from each other, control (themselves and a partner) and manipulate. Love means that next to you a person can be real. He is allowed to be weak, he is allowed to doubt, he is allowed to be ugly, he is allowed to get sick, he is allowed to make mistakes. To love a person more than the actions that he performs. To be the one about whom they know that he will never betray. We love and love just like that, for nothing, because we cannot help but love. We love out of abundance, not fear and insufficiency. We love, not to possess, but to give, to give away what overwhelms us.
Relationships from Freedom and Love are always maturity and awareness. This is the deepest work on oneself, first of all. Love is like death. Through the experience of love, a person is reborn for a new life: he dissolves his ego, is freed from it. Love - I am ready to give up my selfishness.

That's what it is highest degree freedom - first of all, internal! When you are free, you respect and appreciate the freedom of your partner. Become a source of freedom...

"Immature people, falling in love, destroy each other's freedom, create dependence, build a prison. Mature people in love help each other to be free; they help each other to destroy any addictions. When love lives in dependence, ugliness appears. And when love flows with freedom, beauty appears"(Osho).

If you are in a dependent relationship, your attention is focused on the other person, you feel happy only next to him. You are ready for anything, just to get it, because otherwise your world is empty and gray. If you choose to find inner integrity and maturity, look for a way out and do not find, there is simple technique Gratitude Technique!

Find time for yourself. Stay alone with yourself, with your soul. Ask yourself a few simple questions and answer them sincerely.

What am I thanking this man for?

What attracts me to it?

What happens to me when I interact with him?

How are we similar?

Where does it expand me? What can I learn from him?

Why can't I still delete his contact?

What can I keep from this connection? Which lessons?

What binds us at the Soul level? Why do we both need this connection and this experience?

What is the most valuable thing in my life now because of this experience?

How did he protect me when he didn't choose me? What are my good thoughts about him?

What am I like because of my relationship with this person? What in me, which was in the shadow of my consciousness, has found light?
Can I go on by myself? Bless and release him? Is there love and gratitude in my heart for this person? If not, why not? What is not yet completed between us? How much time do I give myself to complete this? Do I choose to sacrifice another piece of my life to what is already in the past?

You may be in a relationship with someone you don't trust enough, and you often find yourself having weird thoughts about them. For example, if your partner does not pick up the phone, you immediately begin to suspect that you are being deceived. In fact, this way of thinking can harm you and your relationship. And you will most likely want to change that. Overcome these thoughts by calming them, find inner harmony in mind and body, and build a closer and more trusting relationship with your partner.

Steps

Let your mind rest

Find a quick solution to your worries and problems. Often things and situations that bother us have several quick solutions. Instead of heading in the clouds, explore your thoughts. You will feel better once you start taking action.

For example, if your partner is not responding to your message, give them a call to make sure they are okay.
If he still doesn't respond, set a timer on your phone for an hour while you do something useful. Take a hot bath, take a nap, or watch a few episodes of your favorite TV show. When the time is up, you can call back, but most likely, during this time your partner will call or write to you!

Fight the urge to find a solution to all negative thoughts. When thoughts start to get confused, just try to resist them. Instead of allowing yourself to think in terms of worst development events, try to consider the most realistic explanation.
- For example, if you have not heard from your partner for several hours, you may feel that he is deceiving you. But if you know that today he is very busy at work, you can assume that he just went home and immediately lay down to rest.
Find something fun that will make you laugh. Laughter is truly the best medicine. Sometimes we overload ourselves with negative thoughts simply because we have Bad mood. So try to cheer yourself up, find something fun, like funny videos online.

Take a break. Instead of beating yourself up, do something fun and interesting or productive. Turn on the music and have a little party, call your mom and visit her. You can take a hot shower or sunbathe a little.
- Sometimes you just need to take a break, but you don't have to do it all the time. You absolutely need to understand what problem is bothering you and causing you such negative feelings. If you don't acknowledge these problems, you and your partner will soon start to annoy each other, and your level of trust in each other will suffer as a result.
Call a friend who can talk to you for as long as you need. Talking to a friend will help you think more rationally. If you're on edge, call a friend and find out how realistic your experience is. If there are no good reasons for them, just let them go and find something to do. But only trusted people should call. wise friends, you should not pour out your soul just to friends.
If you feel that anxiety has taken over you too much, seek the help of a psychologist. If you feel that anxiety is not only not leaving you, but is increasing, you need to start fighting it. There can be disappointments in relationships - this is quite normal, but if you find it too hard to deal with them, if they interfere with your happy life and reduce your productivity, it is better to seek help from a specialist. Many psychologists can help you deal with this problem and build healthy, happy relationships.
- If you are in a college or institute, it may have a qualified psychologist (free of charge). The help of a psychologist is not included in the list of medical services of the CHI, so it is better to find a psychologist in your city by entering a request on the Internet.
Take your partner's word for it. Instead of trying to stick your nose into every crevice of his personal life, trust him. Trust your partner until you have reasons not to. Lack of trust will literally eat you up and ruin your relationship. When ambiguous situations arise, ask your partner to tell you the truth and trust his words.
- However, if you have overwhelming evidence that your partner is lying to you, it may be time to end the relationship.

Having achieved our goals, we usually allow ourselves to relax, forgetting about the rule that ...

Having achieved our goals, we usually allow ourselves to relax, forgetting about the rule that the achieved result must be periodically reinforced, otherwise all efforts will be in vain.

This rule also applies to men. Having met a man, having a promising relationship with him, and even marrying him, women usually completely dissolve in him. Concessions begin, sacrifices for the sake of a loved one, to the detriment of their interests and hobbies, the whole world closes on one person. And then, suddenly it becomes noticeable that he has cooled off towards you, his interest has disappeared. The question arises, what did you do wrong and how to keep a man?

It is quite possible to be “object number one” for a man all his life, but for this it is necessary to make some efforts. First of all, you should figure out why he is cooling.

Every person has a desire for novelty, a woman can satisfy this need by buying new things, and A man wants novelty in a relationship. The conquering instinct is also important, which must be constantly nourished so that the man’s interest does not disappear after he has finally conquered you.

The availability of women is also important. If she is always open for communication, sacrificing her interests for the sake of a man, this can play a cruel joke on her.

How to keep a man: the right tactic

So how can you keep a man? First, try to interest a man, be interested in his affairs and problems, rejoice for him. Make sure he is interested in you. After all, a loved one should be not only an object of desire, but also a true friend.
Learn to make your man jealous. He needs to see that men are turning to you. However, do not overstep the bounds, the maximum that you can afford is light flirting. A man must understand that he can lose you, that you are not “his forever”, then the primitive instincts of a hunter will wake up in him.
Try to be different. If you are usually the very charm, affectionate and domestic cat, then sometimes it will not hurt you to try on image of a cold bitch. Be capricious, make comments, do not let us touch ourselves. Just do not reveal the reasons for your behavior. In such a contrast, he will be able to understand that you are unpredictable, always different and new.
Try to develop, expand your circle of friends, get new hobbies and hobbies. This will allow you not to get hung up on a man. Do not give up your hobbies for the sake of your beloved, he must see that you are interested in something else besides him. Then he will definitely want to try to switch attention to himself.
Women without hobbies are quite limited and quickly bored by men. In addition, an interesting activity will give you new knowledge and independence, which means you will become a more interesting conversationalist.
Do not forget that men need self-affirmation in sex. Therefore, diversity in sexual life also plays an important role. Try to be different, spontaneous and mysterious in bed.
Program your joint future. Come up with rituals that will unite you. For example, you only spend Saturday nights together, or you go to the movies on Fridays. This will develop a persistent habit, so if he violates the ritual, he is guaranteed a sense of guilt.
It is also very useful to make plans for the future, for example, a trip to the sea. This means that you are present in his plans for the future.

Have you noticed that when you communicate with a man who is not very interesting for you, you feel light and free and behave naturally. And when communication begins with an interesting and significant man for you, your naturalness disappears somewhere and you fail to be yourself.

A huge number of women have difficulties in relationships with men of interest to them. Even if they deny it all and try to build self-confident and happy women out of themselves.

And few of them understand the most important reason for the difficulties and failures in relationships with men of interest to them. And few people realize the real reason for various mental anguish: from a depressed emotional state and apathy to a strong fear of losing a loved one.

The main reason is the obsession with the man.

It is the lack of choice and the fear of loneliness that stems precisely from this lack of choice. When you understand that apart from this man of yours you have no communication with other men, then you begin to perceive every problematic situation in a relationship as a tragedy of the millennium.

Obsession with a man does not allow you to be happy

When a woman is in a state of obsession, she cannot even think that there are a huge number of men on the planet, there are billions of them. And that out of these billions of men, there are at least hundreds of thousands who are much more interesting, more attractive, maybe richer than the one who is on this moment next to her.

The main problem is that being in such a state, a woman does not perceive a man adequately. She idealizes him. She thinks that without him the Earth will stop, she thinks that without him she will not be able to live a day, that he is the best, that he is the closest and dearest. She constantly thinks about him, almost every second. In a word, she loves him, and cannot live without him.

Yes, love is a wonderful feeling and it is similar to what is described above. But still, this is more about obsession than about love. True love does not bring suffering, as it differs from passion in its calm joy and sunny happiness.

And what is described above is obsession. And while a woman is so obsessed with a man, she will not have with him happy relationship. Because there will be no harmony and joy in the soul, but only fear and tension. And what kind of man would like to live next to a tense, clinging woman?

As long as a woman is so obsessed, she will not be able to adequately evaluate a man, nor adequately communicate with him. She will constantly swing on an emotional swing and in life she will not be female happiness, no reciprocity.

What can help?

Only a turn in the other direction and communication with other men can help in this. It's not about very close relationships. It's about about the fact that you need to be able to create a stream of men around you, from which you will already choose the best. And having chosen, do not forget that besides him, there are many, many other men. And do not be afraid to lose him, and do not cling to him and just be who you are.

Even if you now have a break in relations and you want to return your man (by the way, it is quite possible to do this, read the article about this. Even if he is the most beloved, dear and the only one for you. Even if you are a very decent and modest woman. Only a stream dating and communicating with other good and quality men will help you become loved by the man you need.

Quite often in life you can see such a picture. A man left a woman or openly cheats on her, and she continues to sit and wait, not letting other men near her and not even turning in their direction. Believing that with her loyalty, devotion and good behavior, she will be able to prove something to a man. Some women sit like this for years! And the man at this time lives perfectly, communicates and even marries other women. And around the waiting woman, a certain vacuum is formed, an emptiness that she fills with her tears and expectations. Instead of looking around and seeing how many other men are no less good.

When you have "flow" - your self-esteem will skyrocket, your ability to communicate with men will increase, you will have ease of communication, good mood, joy, energy and drive. And with your "target" man, everything will be easy!

Of course, only the flow will not make you loved and will not solve all problems - but this is the first, mandatory step in shaping your happy personal life, without which nothing will ever work out in a relationship with the right man. Only a stream of acquaintances and communication with different men! Of course, you should not surround yourself with low-quality men, various gigolos, sissies or psychopaths. Send such men home immediately. Create a stream of cool decent men. Open up to meet them, communicate both on the Internet and in real life.

And even more so, if you are in search, then the stream is what will help you quickly find a good man. Do not sit alone, closed off from everyone, waiting for your only one. Chat with men, flirt, meet and then the right man will definitely appear.

Well, if you already have a worthy man and you are truly happy with him, then you understand that without true freedom there is no true love. And you enjoy each other's company without attachments, expectations and obsession.

Be loved, happy and joyful!

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